To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
