They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize