Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There's always time for handjobs
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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