we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
