Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
