I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
