just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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