I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
