I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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