Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I touched a dick in church today
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize