I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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