Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
