I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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