Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
