i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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