Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
