My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
