I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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