This is not my ceiling
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
