he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
