my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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