just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
