i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
