i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
