You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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