booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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