Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
