Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
