What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
