new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize