The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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