she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
