I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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