If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
