I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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