I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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