Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
