I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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