I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
