I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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