Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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