I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
