please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
