its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
