the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
