What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
