I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize