Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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