Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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