I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
