I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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