I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
