i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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