I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
