Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
