I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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