oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
