So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
