I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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