Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
