he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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