my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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