Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
